Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm a Loser, Baby

I need to fess up: life isn't all that great with radiation. Well, anyway, it seems to be getting worse.

I was told by various health care professionals that I could look forward to life not sucking as much with radiation, that it's much better than chemo. Sure, I might get a little tired and some skin irritations, but compared to chemo, it's not that bad.

I'm finding out that that's a load of crap. I'm pretty fucking tired, and because I had all these expectations that it would be better, I'm also getting kinda depressed. I'm frustrated, I'm pissy, I'm sick of it. So yeah, I feel like ass. And I feel like I failed.

The gentle side of me says, "You didn't fail. You're still fighting." But the loud side of me says, "Suck it up. It isn't as bad as chemo, stop whining. Don't be a loser. Drink more coffee and get to work." So I feel stuck and sick to my stomach that I'm so exhausted and don't want to do anything but lie in bed.

My parents were scheduled to come stay with us on March 19th, but things have gotten so bad that Dude asked me if maybe they should come earlier. Thankfully, they do want to be here as much as I need them to be here, so they are coming next Wednesday. I am thankful for their support, but still, I feel like I've failed.

Surgery has been scheduled for April 15th. While I joke about and make light of getting new boobies, I'll also admit that I'm freaked out. I mean, sure, my boobs aren't the greatest pair of jugs to have graced the planet, but still, they have been a source of pleasure for me (lovely sensory nerves) and a source of food for my kids. Aesthetically, I will have decent boobs (I hope), but what will I feel? And it's going to be weird to be nippleless for six months, until I get new ones tattooed on. Weird, weird, weird.

I'm back to where I started: cancer fucking sucks.

5 comments:

lisa said...

you're not a loser!

i love you and wish i was there to give you a hug!

Animae said...

Listen to that gentle side of you! You definitely didn't fail and all of us that love are fighting with you. If you need to whine, bitch and moan to fight through it, go right ahead!! The last thing you need to do is feel like you have to beat yourself up over not "sucking it up." You are your harshest critic-- always have been-- so again, listen to that gentle side. And if that doesn't work, hear my big mouth cheering and yelling for you all the way here in LAlaland :-) LOVE YOU!

bad_piano_player said...

BRandy, it's ok to whine and moan - guess it was time for a pity party. I look at you as my hero or should I say heroine - no matter- you're a warrior babe! Since I'll be going through chemo myself, I'll use you as my model. much love.

Becca said...

My coworker finished radiation last summer and she said it was worse than the chemo, no doubt. the people who tell you it will be never have never had it

Irene said...

honey...you've just gotten through chemo without a lot of time to bounce back and then straight to radiation...you havent failed...it's your body just trying to catch up...cut yourself some slack and remember its just our crazy Type A organizer personalities thats telling us we should be doing more...i countered it in Vancouver by braiding all the horsie's hair and i know you'll find your own way....love you...truly...ladybug hugs....