Date with Lucifer, Part 6

Chemo today. Had my oncologist check-up yesterday, and she gave me some more drugs for the excruciating joint pain that I get with this chemo. I told her I'd been eating some magic brownies, and she was fine with that. She said that we live in BC, after all. Hey, whatever works. Last time I had chemo, I had an immediate allergic reaction to the Docetaxel drip--I got really hot right away and had chest pains. So they stopped the drip and pumped me full of steroids and Benedryl via IV. Then they started the drip again. So this time, I'll get premedicated with the stuff to prevent the same reaction.

I gather from my nurse and doc that what I experienced with the last chemo is only going to get worse, as the effects are cumulative. But the good news is that after this chemo, I only have 2 more! I should be finished with chemo in the second week of January.

Then comes the radiation. We met with the radiation oncologist on Monday, and it was explained to us that the benefits of radiation are good and proven, that the chances of secondary cancer is less than 1%. So starting at the end of January, I will go in every day for five and a half weeks to get my radiation. I was told that it's like going out in the sun, that I will tan on the radiated area. Folks, I don't tan--I burn, like within ten minutes of being in the sun--with 50 SPF sunscreen. But if I get bad skin irritations, they will, of course, give me yet another prescription.

This morning, before I go in for my chemo this afternoon, I'm going to do the whole home spa thing. Long hot bath, good reading (I'm reading Inventing Victor, which is a collection of short stories by my friend Lisa's friend, Jennifer--and it's great!), sitting in my new massage cushion (DH bought me a new wonderful massage cushion yesterday at Costco, which has a rolling function, a shiatsu function, and a heat option!). I'm hoping that after chemo, I won't be too wiped out to go to the end of the term Creative Writing party on campus. I haven't seen a lot of my creative writing cohort in a while.

I want to write about all the fun stuff that's been happening in the past two weeks and try to forget all the crappiness (since that will be soon revisited anyway). Lisa and Vicki's visit was a godsend, if only a little too short for my taste! It was so wonderful to hang out with my best friend from home and her mom, and take them to all my favorite restaurants and places in Vancouver. Luckily, the weather wasn't shitty the entire time, as we were blessed with some wonderful sun. I think they really enjoyed it, and I hope they come back soon. When I'm not a lazy ass, I will download some of the pictures and post them.

Then we had two wonderful events for the book I edited that came out of the workshop that I taught back in February and March. The book is called Eating Stories: A Chinese and Aboriginal Potluck. I went on CBC on Friday morning to talk about it, then three of the authors went on CBC on Sunday morning for an interview, and other authors and folks are going to appear on radio, tv, and in print about it. People seem really excited about it! So I celebrated my birthday at our launch on Sunday, with song and cake and flowers (thanks, everyone!). And then we had dinner with DH's folks and sister and her family (before the launch we went out to brunch with DH's parents at Cafe Pacifica in the Pan Pacific Hotel). Then DH and I went to see Beowulf on 3D Imax (which would have totally blown chunks if not for the impressive 3D effects). It was a great day!

Last night, our pals Michael, Anne, Debora, and Lynda brought over a fantastic dinner (sushi from Hiroshi's, noodles that Michael made, and salted cod that Debora made), and frozen soups. We had great conversations, enjoyed the food, and it was just so great to see my pals.

But the best thing that happened in the last few weeks was when we were at our family doctor last week, getting our flu shots. While we were waiting for her to come into the exam room, Chloe grabbed my head and pulled it to her ear and said, "Mama, I can hear the ocean. I can hear whales." Granted, it's like she's saying I'm empty-headed, but it was wonderfully poetic to me.

Natural Highs, Liquid Lows

I walked miles and miles last week. One day, I walked from the cancer agency, across Cambie Bridge, along the seawall where all the Concord Pacific condos are, all the way to English Bay. I sat there for a while, waiting for DH to come join me. About two hours as a matter of fact, but he got caught up in the office. It wasn't exactly warm outside, but there were moments of sunshine here and there, and I watched people fly kites and do tricks. I watched people walk their dogs. I watched leaves flying around. Here's the view I had:






And here's the bench I sat on. There's something magical about memorial benches.





I want to do more physical activity, but I find myself getting tired more quickly, especially on one of my long walks. I feel the need to nap more. And yeah, I shouldn't be drinking alcohol like I'm accustomed to. I did that on Saturday night with DH, his sister and her husband at Parkside restaurant, and I was paying for it all night long. You know how these prescriptions say not to drink alcohol while taking the drugs: I forgot to pay attention to that. I had a really awful, painful pukefest all night. I hate not being normal.

Today, we're meeting with the oncology surgeon again. Hopefully, this time around, she has our info and will have a more informative meeting with us. I actually got a copy of my chart on Friday just so there are no excuses. I remembered that DH's brother had to get his chart to make sure about the situation because when you have to deal with so many doctors and specialists and their staff, something is always bound to get lost in the cracks. So it was a good idea to get the chart.

This week I also have an ECG, an ultrasound and a core biopsy. Next week I start the new chemo. Fun.

Can I Get a Hell-Yeah?!

I totally kicked cancer's ass today. SUCK MY BALLS, CANCER!

Karma

I'm just an eager little blogger today, ain't I? Must be the nice weather, which I am enjoying from inside Waves Coffeeshop, along with my artichoke and goat cheese panini and medium dark roast. So today, I stopped and picked up and threw away a pile of dog poo on my way to the acupuncturist; allowed a biotch in a BMW SUV to nearly run me over at a stop sign without getting too pissed; and talked to a slightly nutty guy who smelled really bad about how the weather is so nice and bade him a good day. Just now, a ladybug flew on my shoulder. I think, yeah, somedays, having a good spirit is just as good as, if not better than, chemo.

Whoa--you're saying--that's not what was going on earlier. Yeah, that's right. I should retitle this blog "Brandy's Bipolar Cancer Bash." But that's how it rolls, this crazy cancer ride.

AND--one more week til the cruise! Yay! I just hope I enjoy it, seeing how the cruise is only two days after my next dose of chemo. I asked the acupuncturist what to do about the flat, metallic taste in my mouth, and he said to hold a spoonful of plain yogurt in my mouth for a few seconds, then spit it out. He said that replenishes the natural bacteria in the mouth. I'll give it a shot! He also taught me something that Dude can do to help out, which is to massage the acupunture point on my wrist with a little oil. So we'll give it a go.

Hope the weather is nice where you are.

Luv,
B

Today is Another Day

The day before yesterday, the low point was letting Martha Stewart blab about breast cancer from my tv. The high point was making a cheesy movie. Yesterday, I had all intentions to get out of the house before dark but did not. Still, the afternoon wasn't entirely unenjoyable as I iChatted with my niece and one of my bff's. Then I went to Rhizome with Dude and worked on some poetry while he had a meeting (and I had a Caesar). So all what not bad. And guess what? It's still raining. If you don't love the rain in Vancouver, you better be in love with something else about the city.

Today, I AM LEAVING THE HOUSE! Yay! I'm going to an Inspire seminar this morning, then to the gym to work out (I keep forgetting and then realizing with horror that months ago, I signed up for the Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot 10K--and Thanksgiving is on Monday here!), then back home. The proof copies for the food book are coming today, and I can't wait to see what the book looks like!

I've noticed a small decrease in side effects, and I think it might be because I've taken one less pill of the Dexamethasone, which is the hard-core anti-nausea pill I'm suppose to take right after chemo. It has a bunch of nasty side effects, including depression and mood swings. So I'm on an anti-depressant to deal with the side effects of the anti-nausea. Crazy.

Speaking of crazy, I finished watching that documentary Crazy, Sexy, Cancer. For me, watching it was like getting chemo: had to be in doses. As I feared, the last half was the same as the first. I guess I just totally didn't relate to this woman, despite her being about the same age as I, for a number of reasons: 1) She didn't seek traditional cancer treatments, and instead, went to a bunch of alternative, and sometime wacky, treatment centers that must have cost a fortune, which said to me that she had lots of time and lots of money on her hands. And it seemed to me that she did it because she thought it would make a good film, not just because she wanted to find a cure. 2) While rare, her cancer is so slow-growing and nonthreatening that at one point, her doctor told her it was kind of like having a wart. But I think I must relate to the movie on some level for its spirit. And I enjoyed it when she focused on other women who were going through treatment or had cancer for a while, as they spoke with wisdom and experience that was helpful for me to hear--warriors who've been through the battle and are still surviving, though they are tired and about fed up. But I don't want to get get all down on the filmmaker--it's her film after all. And she does get kudos for me for making it, and making the experience her own and sharing it. But for me as an audience who has cancer, overall, it wasn't my cup of tea.


Okay, now time for some tea--Yogi Tea.

Seasons

Today was a gorgeous day here in Vancouver. And my in-laws wanted to treat the whole family to brunch at Seasons restaurant in Queen Elizabeth Park. On the drive there, my mom said to me, "Don't you get any summer here?" My parents came here in the middle of August, and we've had nice days here and there, but never a substantial stretch of warm, sunny weather. I told her that this summer was particularly sucky, but she just wondered how come we've gone straight into fall.

Here are some pictures from our outing today:




Lily and Chloe--don't be fooled by their cute, innocent smiles.





Mylo in his favourite train sweater-vest!





Me and the kids--obviously, they're so into getting this picture taken.





Me and the man, coordinated.



Afterwards, we had a nice walk in the park.

Then we took the kids to the miniature train park in Burnaby, where we got to ride these cute little trains.

Then we came home, dropped Mylo off for his nap, then Dude, Chloe and I walked to Rhizome for Baby Disco. Chloe and I totally got our groove on (whatever that means anymore, I don't know. I'm getting old).

I'm so glad that I've got all this energy now, cuz I know that this week is going to suck ass cuz I'm getting chemo on Tuesday. But you know--you gotta be happy for the days that are good, and grateful that you make it through the days that bite the big one. That's fucking life, my friend.

Oh yeah, by the way, I have a blog central station: Planet Brandy The description on the new blog will explain why I created it.

Enjoy the rest of Sunday!

Broadcasting live...

me. On CBC, Monday morning. At the butt crack of dawn.

CBC Early Edition

Yeah, go figure.

This weekend, Victoria and her O.C. team of Brandy's Babes will be running in the Komen Race for the Cure! Let's cheer them on, congratulate them, and thank them for their time and donations! And next weekend is our run/walk here in Vancouver! We have 27 people signed up so far, and over $1300 in donations! Holy crap, that's awesome!

This week has been stellar. I've done a ton of exercising and walking, I finished the CCHS Family and Food workshop book (launches are in the works right now). It's called "Eating Stories: a Chinese Canadian and Aboriginal Potluck," and it contains the stories of 23 people who took a writing workshop I taught back in February and March. It's an amazing book, if I do say so myself. So that's really motivated me to keep working and editing and organizing.

I'm trying to keep up the energy and spirits because I have round three of chemo on Tuesday. I can't forget how the last shot of chemo sucked, so I'm trying this approach of being as energetic and productive as possible, while listening to my body and resting when I really feel like I need to. I'm also taking Korean red ginseng, some supplements, flax seed and turmeric (in my food), so that might be helping as well. Plus, I got some smashing new scarves at Maiwa on Granville Island. I totally look the part of a tarot reader now. I should really go into business.

Anyway, speaking of listening to my body--time for a nap. It's raining, so taking a nap is even more enjoyable, as I can listen to the rain come down on the skylights.

FUCK CANCER

Today was the best day I've had since my diagnosis. I feel FUCKING KICK-ASS AWESOME!!!! I wish I haven't been so immobilized by the diagnosis and treatment thus far, but it has been the case. Today, I moved my ass...and moved it and moved it some more. I walked from our house to the cancer agency, which is about a mile and a half.

I attended a free seminar on how to apply makeup. Really, I already know how to put on makeup, but I was just going for the mega-box of free stuff they were handing out--moisturizers, cleansers, make-up, even a nice cotton cap to wear at night (which is really appreciated since it just got really cold here in Vancouver). It felt a little weird to be there because definitely, there was a majority of women over the age of 50--and then there was me. So conversations veered toward how to diminish wrinkles and other stuff. But it was kind of fun watching the other women put on wigs and shout out their opinions on each one.

Then I went to Tim Horton's for lunch and proofread some more of the food book manuscript. I am almost done with proofreading, and then I'll make corrections and tweak the images in Photoshop some more. Then I will start working on the cover. So I'm also thrilled that I'm getting closer to finishing the book!

Then I went to Fitness World and did a 30-minute cardio workout on the elliptical, a 15-minute upper-body resistance workout, and a nice long stretch.

Then I walked about two and a half miles to my appointment with the surgeon. The appointment was a little disappointing because for some reason, the cancer agency didn't send over a copy of my chart, so the surgeon couldn't give me a good assessment of my options. But she did put referrals through for the plastic surgeon, so some progress is being made. We have some time to read up on options anyway.

All in all, I feel great! I came home, had a nice dinner with the family, took a bath and read People magazine, and I feel so relaxed and good. I'm kicking cancer's ass all over the place!

Rawr!

I wasn't kidding about the cougar dress. Just for laughs, here's a pic. I doctored the pic using some cheezy film grain filter. And don't ask me why Chris is standing so far away from me--perhaps he's fearful of the Grrrl Power. Me and Jenn have a tendency to strike fear in the male species when we combine forces.




and just cuz...here are some gratuitous cute kid pictures. they make me happy. everyone sing: "the wheels on the bus go round and round. . ."!!!

Spa

At the moment, I'm kinda anti-computer. But I like showing pictures. Maybe that makes me a narcissistic bitch. Maybe not. But here's why I'm anti-computer: because you can't take the computer in the bathtub without the risk of electrocuting yourself. So until they make water-resistant laptops. . .

Here's where I spend a lot of my time nowadays:


{my home spa}




{. . .with new washcloths. . .}




{. . .and a glass of chardonnay, a pitcher of lemon water. . .}



[By the way, funny thing I discovered: lemons float, limes sink.]




{yesterday, my hair started falling out. Or rather, it started coming out easily when tugged on. I sat in the tub for an hour, massaging my head, rubbing vigorously, tugging with my forefingers and thumbs, pulling out little black clumps. Kinda like weeding, only taking much longer. Guess I have a lot of hair. Now my head just looks like a poorly clipped shrub.}

The Night Before...

It's the night before tomorrow. Wow, that sounds so zen, doesn't it? Seriously though, tomorrow is my second appointment with the oncologist. DH and I will meet with the doc to go over all the test results from the past week and a bit. Yesterday and today, I had scans and xrays, blood tests and agony and questions and long, hot baths and sleepless nights. Tomorrow, a bunch of questions will be answered and a bunch more will pop up, but hopefully in the next couple of days, my chemo treatment will start and all the alien nastiness invading Planet Brandy will begin to be wiped out. Vive la revolution!


{the view from our hotel room in waikiki}

My time with the zen master dude was interesting. After four hours of zenness, my head hurt. The first hour, DH demonstrated his zen knowledge with zen master dude. The next two hours, zen master dude grilled me on my existence. Picture a circle. Now picture a squiggly circle around the other circle. The inner circle is me. The squiggly circle is the stuff around me, the stuff I'm attached to. Do I want to find out what's in the inner circle? . . . Now think of this: 0=∞. . . . Then zen master dude asked me "Why purple hair?" My thought bubble, "Because I like purple, Roshi." But I think I gave some fumbling lame reason which made Roshi just stare at me.

So then zen master dude wanted me to play a shakuhachi, which he told me is a flute. People from my Mifflintown years will bust a gut because they know how much I sucked at playing the flute. BUT despite my suckiness at being a flautist, I did it for, let me see, oh, five years. Anyway, the shakuhachi isn't the kind of flute you're thinking of. It looks more like a recorder, and it's used for meditation. It's fucking hard as fuck to play. I tried for an hour. My cheeks hurt. But another zen master dude said that I had a rare quality for a beginner to play such clear, strong notes with such purpose. Rock on! So there I was, in the training room, with zen master flute player, and this other dude who was practicing martial arts and was chanting sutras which sounded like a bullfrog and me blowing away, and DH just sitting there. I totally felt like I was in an anime movie, and that we were all going to transform into forest creatures or earthly structures.


{me and DH in leis made by our friends Hoku and Kaipo}

As funny as that all sounds, the zen master meeting has stuck with me. Of course, I think it's probably pretty common to think of existence questions when faced with life / death situations, but zen master dude number one kept asking me, what's stopping me from finding out about the now? Am I really that attached to my suffering and my past? These are questions as unanswerable as others right now.

Honestly though, today sucked ass. I feel so freakin' lame. For an hour, I shopped online for cool fabric so I could sew myself some head coverings. Then I decided that I didn't want to buy any fabric and sew head coverings, so then I was down on myself for wasting all this time.

But I can't help but notice the things that people have done. It makes me want to get out of my rut that I've dug myself in. For instance, Russell writing a poem for me today; Vicki sending me a bear and a bag from PA Dutch country (and frisbees for Chloe and Mylo); Hilary callling to ask when she could bring over frozen turkey soup she made; Betty bringing me head coverings from the cancer centre, and a lavendar eye pillow she made for me; Candace bringing over costumes for the kids and smoked salmon her husband caught and Chinese bbq pork; friends of friends who have offered their advice, help, and resources; my in-laws for helping with the kids; my parents for making plans to come out here to help; the lady from the Canadian Cancer Society who called today to help set me up with someone who's gone through a similar experience; CCHS for bringing me flowers; people who've emailed me on Myspace, 43things, Facebook, and here; Chris for watching the kids yesterday morning; Heidy and Greg for watching the kids last night; other people who have emailed to offer their help and company; my green towel for keeping purple dye off my pillow and for catching those random tears; DH and the kids for bearing with me; and Victoria for organizing a team, "Brandy's Babes," for the Race for the Cure (http://ocraceforthecure.kintera.org/brandysbabes).

Yesterday, DH and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Le Crocodile. We had a South African wine called Graceland (2004). The only reason I'm writing that here is so I'll remember what that wine was, cuz it was good!


{rowr! le crocodile}

So anyway, when I figure out what 0=∞ means, I'll be laughing (as my fiction prof Maureen would say), but until then, I'm just scratching my head.

If there's one thing that cancer should be about---it's partying!

This was a really fun weekend--and I think everyone in my family soooo needed it! Thanks to everyone who came last night:

Dan
Bob (I mean, George...no, I mean Bob)
Larry
Roy
Gordy
Jim Julie + kids
Marty Letti + kid
Karen + kids
Heidy Greg + kids
May
Allan
Andy
Chris
Rob Tracy
Mark
Jamie
Jim Lou-Anne
Leeanne
Amy
Karrmen
Michael Anne
Debora Lynda
Linda
Joy Hillary
Paige Hart
Jenn
Katie
Janice
Jamella
George (the real george)
Coll Simon
Mama Baba

If you're not on this list--so sorry! I was wasted and all, that's my only excuse!

There was a lot of laughter and tears and drinking last night. I was so touched by all who showed up and also by those who couldn't make it but who emailed me their regrets. Here are some highlights--including the highlights in my hair! (Thanks especially to Jamie--who applied TWO bleach kits to my hair yesterday, down the roots while somehow miraculously not burning my scalp; Jenn and Katie--mistresses of the dye; and Katie once again, for packing sausage, cheese, crackers, wine, and god knows what else in her purse, along with loads of latex gloves.) Jenn was the photographer extraordinaire for these shots.

Me and bleach expert, Jamie


Me with Paige and Joy enjoying the mixture of fumes from my head and the wine


Sausage, cheese, dates, and crackers spread out on my toilet


Emerging from my bathtub...


It's not what it looks like--Amy's just drying my hair while I'm drinking wine while straddling my toilet...honest!


Karrmen and Amy stylin', while Saya and Jordy look on.


All dressed up--and yes, I am wearing fur in the middle of July! That's cuz you can do that in Vancouver, where the weather is sucky yuck.
Okay, so my dress was so freakin' open the whole time, and maybe I could lie and say that it was some statement about breast cancer, but let's be honest--I was completely shitfaced and had no idea that my white bra was completely hanging out, Britney Spears-style.

Me, with three ladies that rock: Jenn, Katie, and Chloe (who at the tender age of almost-four already looks completely ashamed to be my daughter)


The intricacies and complexities of my new hair!

me me me

this blog is about me. i was going to edit out that not-so-hot picture of me, but then again, why? after all, much about this particular type of cancer has to do with vanity/identity issues. my breasts--do they make me? no. but they got me my husband; they fed my kids; they almost got me arrested when i jumped in a lake in wisconsin after the beerfest in my skivvies; they got me ridiculed in junior high for not being there; they've been the recipient of push-up bras and fancy lingerie. they've been through so much. and now, if i don't deal with them, they could kill me.

so as unattractive and unartsy as my b/w pic is, it stays. especially since the privacy of my breasts has been stripped anyway, with all those strange hands touching them lately.

i feel meek and i feel bold; embarrassed yet unapologetic.