I've talked to some of you readers in the past couple months who said that you look at my blog and when you don't see an update, you're happy because it must mean I'm doing well. Well, yes and no. It means that I'm hiding, and that I have nothing that I think is exciting enough for people to read, and that I'm doing okay otherwise. But the funny thing is, despite me not giving a daily or more regular update on my blog, I've got a million unposted entries in my head. I often walk around in life with a picture of the blog and what I would write if I sat down to do so, but they just kind of evaporate into the rot of my brain before I reach a computer.
So, since I mentioned the biopsy, let me talk about that. When I saw the doc about the lymphedema on my right arm, she also checked out my left armpit, which I told her was sore. Sure enough, she felt a lump. So then she told me to get an ultrasound, which I did this week. When I got the ultrasound done, the radiologist was concern about the images, and she ordered me to come back in a couple days for a fine needle aspiration, which is a way to get samples from the lymph node. So I had that done. I watched them stab the shit out of the poor lymph node, sticking in the needle and wriggling it around like crazy (don't worry--they administered freezing to the area, so I didn't feel anything). They got a few samples they were happy with. They thought the image of the node changed a bit after they sampled it, so the doc said it could be a hematoma, but I'm like, how in the world would I have a hematoma on the lymph node? Anyway, I gave my doc a heads-up on the results coming in, so she said she'd get the results on Monday and give me a call asap.
As for my lymphedema--last week was a pain in the ass, or arm, I guess. The compression bandaging was awful, excruciating torture. I really, honestly wanted to cut off my arm. I really wanted to just be over with it, and get a hook. One of my professors from UCLA has a hook arm, and I always thought it was pretty cool. I want one of those. Better than having this arm that's going to cause me pain and discomfort for the rest of my freakin' life. Anyway, the massage part of the treatment was actually good and relaxing. It's a gentle massage that's used to move the lymph fluid so that it doesn't pool as much in the arm. After each massage treatment, my RMT would bandage my arm in a compression wrap that looked like a cast. That pretty much sucked. When it's bandaged like that, I can't really use my arm at all (except maybe as a bludgeoning weapon). Then after five treatments, I went to a medical supply store called Regency in Burnaby to get fitted for a custom sleeve that extends to a glove. I'm supposed to wear this every day, forever. While I'm waiting for the custom to get made (it's gonna take a month or so), I got an off-the-shelf sleeve and glove, which I wear all the time. And I also bandage on top of that for extra compression. So I'm learning how to manage wearing these things and keep typing and doing stuff around the house. It's a new challenge.
I have my moments when I just keep going at life, things are fine, I'm doing okay though still battling fatigue and chemo brain. Then I have my moments when I wonder how much of Chloe and Mylo's growing up I'll be here for. But I can't go there. I just need to be in the Now. Speaking of, here comes Mylo now, wanting me to see a robot he made. Oh, there he goes again. They're too fast to keep up with, but I try.