"Order + No Order = Still No Order"

I woke up still sobbing from my dream. In the dream I was playing a simple game of softball with friends----DH, people from CCHSBC, some other professors types, friends from college. They were playing kind of half-assed. I wasn't sure what my position was, or when it was my turn to pitch because people were just moving around. When I asked some people if they knew what they were supposed to do, they said yes and told me what their job was. Others said, who cares? We're just having fun. I got fed up and started shouting, "You can't have it like this! You kinda have order but don't. Order plus no order is still no order! It's mathematical!" And I ran from the game.

I stood on top of a hill overlooking water. I saw my friend Mae talking with some others: my cousin Teresa whom I hadn't seen in a while, people from grad school. She saw me, but I didn't want to see her. I just started crying into my hands, feeling excluded and alone. Mae started walking toward me, and that's when I woke up sobbing, with my shirt soaked through with sweat.

In real life on Friday, I called my friend Mae but she wasn't there, so I called Irene. I told her how useless I've been feeling lately. I have several projects that I'm in the middle of and trying to finish, but during the day I just feel like sleeping. I haven't been sleeping much during the night (except for now, because doc gave me some pills), so during the day, I'm pretty mopey and tired. Irene said it must be hard for a Type A gal like myself to come to terms with the huge potential that for a chunk of time, I have to chill out and rest. I'm the ultimate multitasker and juggle all sorts of stuff. Plus, I take care of my family, so to have to accept someone having to take care of me is a huge challenge.

The dream is an obvious one in which I'm freaking out from having to lose control. It is true--half-assed order, to me, is still no order.

Last night, my friend Jamie made a surprise visit from Seattle. I was one of the MC's at Rhizome Cafe's first anniversary party, and while I was at the mic, Jamie walked in the door, so it was so nice to see him! I really need to see a friend now! He and I talked for a while about my treatment options. He's lost several people in his family to various types of cancer, so he knows a little about the lingo and world of the big C.

I'm worried about the trial treatment. Basically, I have to live six more months with the cancer before surgery since I start off with chemo. The question is, why not do the surgery first? Why not try to cut out that shit before doing chemo, like they usually do? One of the reasons the doc said was because this way, I get the really good chemo, the extra medicine, because it's part of the trial. She also said that this way, any microinvasion would be targeted and hopefully got rid of. So I need to do chemo first so they can measure the size of the cancer as I'm getting the chemo (one of the main things about the trial--a trial isn't the standard treatment; a trial is like an experiment in other words--they're researching something, and I'm part of the research, while receiving treatment).

But it's the lymph node that's most worrisome. Even though my lymph node biopsy came back negative, it's still obviously swollen with something and they want to take it out. I wish they would take it out now and test it rather than wait six months. If the lymph node has cancer, that's bad--that means that it's trying to spread to the rest of my body. So if one of my lymph nodes shows possible invasion now, can they please take that motherfucker out???

I don't like feeling helpless. Jamie asked me if I have any instinct about which route to go (chemo first or surgery first), and I don't. I feel like here, I don't have a preference (other than taking the node out asap), nor do I feel sufficiently informed to have an opinion, so I'm just leaving it to the experts. But of course, I don't feel right about that, especially since I kinda feel all guinea piggish.

No Order.