Saturday, September 29, 2007


Chloe's sick. So I should stay away from her. This is impossible--and not something I want to do anyway. At six this morning, I heard a little whimper downstairs, and it went straight to my gut. Even in the deepest sleep, I can feel my kids needing something, no matter how quiet they are. Of course, no one else heard little Chloe crying, so I went downstairs to see what was the matter. She had to go pee but was afraid in the dark. So I helped her, and she coughed all over me, and I didn't think to turn away. Then I put her back in bed and gave her a kiss.

Step 1: Remember that I have virtually no immune system.
Step 2: Stay away from crowds and sick people, including my own kids.

I think I'm fucked. I can't remember the first step, and I can't be bothered with the second one. This is too hard.

Last night, I had a bad moment. Actually, last night was good. People were dropping by to pick up their race shirts, and my friend Emilie came to hang out. But when everyone left, and I was in bed, I felt like crap. Not because of all the company, but just because of the chemo--and because of the horrific realization that I'm only on cycle 3 out of 8. Then I panicked: how the hell am I going to make it through EIGHT of these cycles? EIGHT???? I know people have done it, but it seems like a long-ass road ahead.

Sometimes, I really hate realizations.


B. said...


Vicki aka Mamapajama said...

Brandy, I would feel the same way. Mothers act instinctively when their child needs them.
It's going to be hard, hang in there, I know you're a strong woman.
Chloe and Mylo won't remember a few years down the road that you didn't "mother them" for the time you're in treatment. They already have a deep-rooted knowledge that they are LOVED.
And by hanging in there, you will have a lot of time afterwards to show them some close-up affection, sick or not!

Information Seeker said...

Brandy, what you are experiencing will be passed on as memory to your children. They will remember how brave and strong their mother once was as she fought this deadly battle. Your tremendous will power will help you through the journal of hell.
So, take one level at a time, we support you with love.
God speeds your recovery.