Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Chemo Rollercoaster--WARNING--GROSS-OUT POST

I have to change the way I think about this. When a human being grows up, s/he is raised to think that when sickness occurs, s/he will eventually get better, and life will be back to normal. With chemo, I'm finding this truth to be absolutely false. I find myself being constantly deceived. What I mean is that once a side effect has passed--or so I believe--I think I'm in the clear. So at the end of last week (about Sunday-ish), I thought, "Okay, so the nausea is gone, fatigue is not there, heartburn still there but whatever, I'm okay." Yesterday was fine, except that I began to get a little tired in the afternoon and had a headache--and oh yeah, got my period, which I don't think is actually my period, but me just bleeding nearly black blood from the vagina as a side effect of the chemo (sorry to gross the guys out, but whatever...), especially since I'm not supposed to get my period until next week. And I also have a bad case of acne and sores, inside and out (I got sores in my mouth), which is another side effect from one of the chemo drugs. So I'm not feeling entirely okay, but yesterday, I thought I was over most of the side effects.

Then today happened. I woke up, did stuff on the computer, drank a bunch of water like I'm supposed to. Every day, I have to wait one hour before I can eat (this is from a condition that was diagnosed six years ago), because I take a thyroid medication. So I'm drinking water and all that, and then I get a massive wave of nausea. I don't mean that I feel a little urpy--I mean that I want to puke my brains out. Real bad. So I take my anti-puke pill, and try to fight it off for about ten minutes. But I really need to vomit, big time. So I go in the bathroom and start heaving. Problem is, the only thing in my stomach is water. So I'm gushing water and mucous, and I'm involuntarily crying because it's hard work to do this, but it also makes me feel so empty and frustrated because there's nothing to puke but I keep having to feel like I gotta puke up something--anything--maybe my stomach itself, I don't know.

Ah, me. So I'm done puking--for now. I need to stop saying that I'm done feeling or experiencing anything as far as how my body reacts to the chemo that continues to make its rounds. I'm just hoping that the chemo is doing what the doctors mean for it to do, which is to attack the cancer more than it's attacking me.


Animae said...

Oh, Brandy, hang in there.

chinatown said...

Just remember others before you travelled the same miserable journey and they came out okay. I have a friend who's also on chemo and though there's discomfort, he'll ride it out because he's determine to beat it. Just hang in there.

bad_piano_player said...

Brandy, great description of puking - think of the rhymes you can make with all those gross deeds. I've been there a few times,mouth sores,nausea, the whole bit,so hang in there.
Have you seen "The Green Mile" with Tom Hanks? Imagine you're like that Michael Duncan spewing out all that bad stuff.
Your journey's not over. You've got love and support!